Sorry I’ve been silent over the past few weeks. The only reason is sorrow. I know you understand what I’m talking about.
I am still struggling with the “why” and “what did I miss”, “he in pain? Is that what he was trying to say” or was he asking me to let him go?
I felt/feel sometimes that I own the grief because Billy is mine and Dave’s son. No one could possibly hurt more than me.'
Then I watched Billy’s funeral Mass on YouTube last week-end. Watching Billy’s friends play music and sing with such raw emotion was almost painstaking. What were we thinking when Dave and I agreed to have them participate in this liturgy. They were in suffering! mourning. How can could we have let that happen? In reality, it was the most beautiful gift they gave us in honor of their dear friend and I know it helped them to begin their healing process as well. And to remind me that EVERYONE has to mourn.
I was afraid to watch the video because I didn’t want to make myself grieve. I thought I would cry my eyes out. What I realized is that I was so grief stricken on that day that I missed so much beauty as they, and others, who accepted our invitation to participate in the Mass, cried, mourned, and just looked “plain ugly”.
In the end, I realize that coming together to celebrate the happy, the sad, questions, joy, pain, Aha moments and everything in between is necessary for HEALING when we all come together with our sorrows.
I know because I saw that day through my own tears.
You may grieve now. Yeah, like you need my permission.
